is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
