I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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