I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
