I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
