just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
