I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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