I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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