i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
