How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
