wrigley field is MILF paradise
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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