I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
