I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Welp...herpes.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
