I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
