Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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