i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
