She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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