the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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