I didn't shave. On purpose
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
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