I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
