I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
