I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
