Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
