Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
