His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
