...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
