Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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