She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
