Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
