Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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