we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
