And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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