I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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