If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
