Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
