my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
