saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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