fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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