you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
