I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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