Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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