gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
