I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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