if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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