Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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