Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
