There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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