i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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