Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
