Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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