Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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