In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
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