i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
