I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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