Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
