just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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