hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
