yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
