My friends, they love my intelligence
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
