last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
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Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit