I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
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he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy