some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
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The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound