I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
