I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
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I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize