yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
