i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
