The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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