her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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